Ah, the perils of internet dating.
I was talking with some female friends over coffee and croissants the other day, actually it was a cup of tea and a jaffa cake but I wanted to sound sophisticated, and we were exchanging bad dating stories. There were plenty of them and judging by the general thread of the tales I was hearing I came to wonder; are the men of today actually devolving?
I’m sure there are plenty of men who may read this and cry, but I’ve had some terrible dates with women I’ve met from the internet, and I am sure there are some real specimens out there and in the interests of equality, I sympathise, so please feel free to replace the word ‘Cowboys’ with ‘Cowgirls’ in the title.
A few months ago, I was sitting in the pub waiting for an internet date to turn up and I was bored. I had conversed with him via email a few times and being one of the only men who could spell, I agreed to meet him for a drink. The literacy level of internet daters these days really is shocking. He was late and I was about to give it up as a bad job and go home when he appeared, all smiles and no apology for keeping me waiting. He went to the bar and bought himself a drink and lo and behold, he had ‘forgotten’ to go to the cash machine and asked whether I would see him a pint. Being an awkward so and so I pointed out that there was a cash machine just outside and that he was free to make use of it. While he was out getting some money, I seriously considered doing a runner but my own manners wouldn’t allow me to so he returned and we sat down to chat. Now I can talk the hind legs off a donkey so conversation wasn’t a problem but I did have to be subjected to the tale of his evil ex-wife whereby I considered getting up and running straight out of the pub but again, I put my patient head on and pretended I was listening whist imagining what I would do if I had a proper light sabre like out of Star Wars. I’m sure a Jedi Knight wouldn’t put up with this crap. I didn’t for much longer as apart from anything else, the man had clearly used a picture that was taken ten years ago, either that or his traumatic divorce had made him age exponentially and he had the most interminable sniff. That was it, I made my excuses and left. He offered to walk me to my car, I declined when I pointed out that I would be perfectly alright as I had a black belt in a martial art and that I had bigger muscles in my arms than he did.
So may I advise those gents who are planning on meeting a woman for a date to do the following things:
1. Turn up on time, don’t argue, just do it.
2. Bring a reasonable amount of cash so you can buy your date a drink or if you really want to push the boat out, a bag of crisps.
3. Bring a tissue, blowing one’s nose is not unmanly, looking like a snivelling idiot is.
4. Don’t rattle on about your ex, we’re not that interested and we will probably get bored and play with our phones.
5. Consider doing some exercise, personality is important but not that important.
That’s it really, be a cowboy and not just a cow!
If you have some funny dating stories, please tell us and comment below. And if you are being made to wait for a date, you can download my novel ‘The Ghost Hunters Club’ onto the Kindle app on your phone, so at least you’ll have a good laugh if anything.