The end of civilisation is coming to the Fens, time to arm myself and go panic buying …
If you are British, then you may want to gather your family, batten down the hatches and check your survival packs. You need to stock pile food, fuel and milk. Don’t forget the milk, if you run out of that YOU WILL DIE! God forbid if you can’t have your Sugar Puffs in the morning.
You see this week; we witnessed the start of Armageddon. In the Fens we had at least one or two inches of snow and the nightmare began. Now I know the rest of the country, especially the west, had a good foot of snow and so some disruption to travel is understandable. My good friends C L Raven were quite enterprising and built a snow dinosaur. You see in Wales they see snow as an artistic opportunity, but because naff all ever happens around my way, the snow is a good excuse for a bit of drama.
After work, I was brave and managed to fight myself through the toe deep drifts to perform my essential duties of lion taming, I popped into Waitrose to pick up a pint of milk and some bananas. The nice lady at the till told me that I was lucky to get that pint, people had been going bonkers buying up the milk, just in case we all got snowed in. What on earth were they going to do with it all?
I spoke to a friend of mine, who can be relied upon to be the voice of the Daily Mail, and I asked her how many pints of milk she had in her fridge. Fifteen pints of milk, FIFTEEN! I asked her why and she said, ‘well we might run out, then what?’ Well if things get desperate, you could kidnap a cow. Or alternatively, you could go the shop and buy some more. ‘But what if it snows?’ she said. Then you can still go to the shop! They still work in the Fens, even after a few minutes snow.
But don’t forget the traffic chaos and schools closing. People were cancelling functions on account of the snow that wasn't on the main roads; the schools were closed on account of the fact that they were either too tight or lazy to bother gritting the site. There was even a special news programme on the goggle box covering the snow drama, with exclusive footage of the snow falling – live on television! It was nearly as dramatic as the moon landings or Live Aid.
We coined a term at training for the snowsters’ amateur dramatics – snow wimps. A few flakes fall and people go into a spin and lose their heads. They overreact when they drive, fail to follow the advice of the AA and panic, get selfish and buy up all the food in case their comfortable lives are disrupted for just a minute. I asked a Canadian friend of mine how they cope with the snow, where several feet will fall in their winter. ‘We just deal with it’ he said. Speaks volumes, don’t you think?
Of course, now that the powers that be have recommended that we build snowmen to avoid the flooding, I think we’d better engage my Welsh friends to build some snow animals here in the Fens. I rather fancy a snow-giraffe in my yard.
If you’re snowed in and bored, you can download one of my novels. It’s safer than going outside on the icy pavements and it’ll last longer than all that milk you've panic bought.
Keep an eye out for my new novel ‘The Little Camera’ due out at the end of this month.